Resilience in Grief

When loss strikes, and someone who we love and cherish is taken away from us, it can feel like our own lives have been taken as well. The grief we experience in the wake of losing a loved one can consume us and make us feel that there is no way we can go on. However, the grief of loss does not have to consume us. We can go on. 

While the loss of a loved one changes us and is something that we never forget, we do not have to live in the pain of grief for the rest of our lives. If we implement the strategies outlined in this blog, we can manage our grief and eventually overcome it. We can remain resilient in the face of life’s adversities.

Understand that adversity is inevitable

Resilient people understand that adversity is a part of the human experience. Everyone, regardless of their condition in life, has experienced difficulty in some form. They have gone through hardships in life that have tested them in profound ways. Part of resilience is accepting this reality. When resilient people experience grief, they do not ask themselves “why me?” They know that, at some point, it has to be them. This does not mean that they like grief or enjoy suffering. Rather, they accept that they cannot avoid grief. 

This acceptance helps to reduce the feeling of discrimination sometimes experienced in the aftermath of a loss. It can help them to feel less alone in their grief. Part of this acceptance lies in allowing oneself to feel what one is feeling. Loss is painful, and it is not healthy to deny oneself the ability to grieve. If one bottles those emotions up, they will come back later down the line with more intensity.

Focus on the positive

Another important characteristic of resilient people is that they are able to find and focus their energy and attention on the positive. They are able to look to the good in their lives. Many of us have a tendency to always look to the negatives in a situation. This way of thinking is a survival strategy that dates back to the earliest days of our species, when it was advantageous for us to focus our attention and expend our energy on threats as opposed to non-threats. 

In our age, however, this is no longer beneficial. We live in an extremely connected world. Due to our advanced communication technologies, we are aware of threats that exist far beyond our immediate surroundings. If we continue to focus on negatives and threats, we experience a kind of overload that can be harmful to our mental health. This is true for loss as well. If we do not look to the positives, grief will consume us. Therefore, it is necessary to make a conscious effort to seek out good things in our lives and draw joy from them.

Take time for self-reflection

Resilient people often take time to ask themselves: is what I’m doing beneficial or detrimental to me? They always stop to think about the consequences and effects of the behavior they are engaging in. If the behavior will help them manage or overcome their grief, they continue to do it, and if it is making them feel worse, they stop doing it. This question is often used in therapy sessions, and is a very powerful means of gaining insight into the value of our grief management. Questioning our actions in this way allows us to gain a sense of control over ourselves and our decisions. It gives us agency.

Don’t give up

Grief is like a fog that clouds our lives after a loss. It is very easy for us to get lost in it if we don’t have a flashlight. Resilience is that flashlight; it is our guide through grief. By implementing the strategies outlined above, we will be able to better manage our emotions, find our means to happiness, and cut out negative and harmful behavior that keeps us from moving forward. We will be able to overcome feelings of alienation and hopelessness and gain a sense of control over our actions. 

Grief is not something that is easily overcome. Be prepared for it to take time and conscious effort to master these strategies, but remember that consistent work can completely change our mindsets. By cultivating resilience in ourselves, we can navigate our way through grief and make it out of the fog.