Grief From Stillbirths
The death of a child is one of the most difficult types of loss you can experience. It is estimated that in the United States, 26,000 families a year experience a stillbirth. Definitions of stillbirth vary, but it is usually considered to be the loss of a baby after 20 weeks.
Stillbirths are often unexpected, because they can occur in pregnancies that seemed problem free. Experiencing a stillbirth doesn’t just cause grief; it is a type of trauma. The mother usually learns that the baby is dead prior to the start of labor. After delivering a dead child, she must walk through a hospital and see the sights and sounds of other babies being born healthy. This trauma must be addressed to prevent it from becoming a deeper emotional problem.
How you may feel
If you have experienced a stillbirth, it is normal to feel numb soon after the loss. It’s also normal to feel guilty, but you should remind yourself that there is likely nothing you could have done differently. The experience is ambiguous because so much is left unknown. You may feel like the death was meaningless. Getting information from the doctor about the cause of the stillbirth can sometimes be helpful.
You might feel like you’ve lost a sense of yourself, or your identity as a parent. You might struggle to find meaning in things that were once so important. On top of your grief, you may be experiencing postpartum depression. These are all normal experiences.
What you can do
Grief never disappears, but there are ways to work through it and learn to live with it. Reach out to loved ones for support. Strong social supports are essential in healing from grief. Consider joining a support group, or get professional help.
Find a way to honor the death. You may want to hold a service, plant a memorial tree, name the baby, or in some other way honor their presence in your life.
Communicate with your partner. It is likely you will not grieve in the same way, so it is important that you not let this become a source of resentment. Ask each other for the support you need.
Take care of yourself physically. Avoid reliance on drugs and alcohol. Try to eat well and get some physical exercise. Make plans to leave the house, even just to walk around your block.
In order to heal we must mourn, and to do that we must find an outlet for our grief. Journal, make art, write a letter to the baby, or do some other activity to express yourself.
If you have other children, be honest with them about the death. Use simple and clear terms to explain what happened. Be mindful that they too may be feeling this loss.
Having another baby
There is no correct timeline for how long to wait before having another child, but it may make sense to take time to heal before trying for another baby. Remember that having another baby is not a betrayal of the one you lost; you will always love them and be their parent. It is unlikely that you will have another stillbirth. Talk to your doctor to make a plan for your pregnancy.
Sources
https://griefwords.com/index.cgi?action=page&page=articles%2Fstillbirth.html&site_id=2
https://americanpregnancy.org/getting-pregnant/pregnancy-loss/stillborn-595/
https://www.verywellfamily.com/emotional-recovery-after-stillbirth-2371772
https://whatsyourgrief.com/loss-of-identity-after-stillbirth/
